The Minutes Before
by Vaughn's Jenn
Summary: response to Queenie's challenge; THE MINUTES BEFORE VAUGHN GETS THE PHONE CALL post the telling ::a jennfic::


**Title**: The Minutes Before  
**Author**: Jennyfer, Vaughn's Jenn, etc.  
**Summary**: Basically the minutes before Vaughn gets "the call"… not post The-Telling… but up till then.  
**Ship**: S/V but not blatantly  
**Rating**: PG (unless I decide to continue… which is pretty unlikely)  
**LYRICS**: "Konstantine" – Something Corporate (I highly recommend this song… it's 9 minutes long and beautiful in a raw kind of way~)  
  
  
**The Minutes Before**  
  
  
This is what he hates.  
  
These minutes where time seems to stop between reality and dreaming… are the minutes where he has the least control. Are the minutes where he can't help but think, can't help but beg, can't help but hope, can't help but regret.   
  
Because these feelings contradict each other. How can he regret the woman sleeping on his arm? But how can he help hoping the other will come back somehow, someway?  
  
When he is awake, he can control his feelings. When he is asleep, he doesn't have to feel guilty for relishing in his dreams. For remembering the soft sweetness around her, covered with a veil of edge and control… the feel of her-  
  
_I can't imagine all the people that you know   
and the places that you go   
when the lights are turned down low_  
  
He turns his head, forcing the thoughts out of his head. _She's gone._ Looked at his sleeping wife, the soft breaths escaping her mouth… filling him with affection, if not passion. _I'm sorry Cassandra… you deserve better._  
  
His arm is asleep.  
  
He puts his nose to her hair, inhales the nice- but unfamiliar- scent of her hair, closes his eyes, and vows to count until he falls asleep. He will fail and he knows this; he has tried before.  
  
Always managing to get to around 200 or so before his minds blanks and all he remembers is her. Always her. Everything her. What the future could have been like for them… marriage, pregnancy… the ability to give their children the kind of life and the kind of family that neither one of them had been able to have.  
  
A house with a white-picket fence and a dog.  
  
Maybe an apple tree.  
  
The vague thought of being able to sit on the porch with Weiss or Will or whoever and be able to say "Remember the time when we worked for the CIA? Remember when we worked with spies?"  
  
_and I don't understand all the things you've seen   
but I'm slipping in between   
you and your big dreams   
it's always you   
in my big dreams_  
  
Jack would probably still be working.  
  
_stop it  
the tormenting  
this idleness  
this lack of control  
if you had it  
you would be able to sleep  
but you don't  
weak  
stop it  
no more thoughts about her.  
  
she's gone  
get it through your head  
who's on your arm?  
your **wife**_.  
  
He's about to give up… to once again force himself to close his eyes and wait.   
  
This is what he hates.  
  
These minutes where time seems to stop between reality and dreaming… are the minutes where he has the least control. Are the minutes where he can't help but think, can't help but beg, can't help but hope, can't help but regret.  
  
The idea that he could have been there, could have sto-  
  
_the phone's ringing. it's three o'clock in the morning. why is the phone ringing?_  
  
He tries to stop the anticipation and sudden lurch of his heart… it's hope and he wants to kill it before someone else does. He remembers all too well what it felt like to jump at every phone call only to be disappointed.   
  
Only to break another piece of his heart.  
  
He has to lower his expectations. It's probably a wrong number from the other side of the world. He laughs in his head… wonders what "Joey's Pizza" is in Chinese.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Vaughn… you have to get over here."  
  
_there's something in his tone_  
  
"What's the matter?"  
  
_oh my god i know what's the matter._  
  
"Get over here. Man… Mike… they found her."  
  
_he sounds scared to tell me. happy that he knows, petrified because of what i have done. wondering how i will punish myself. why couldn't i have waited?_  
  
"Who?"  
  
_i didn't need to ask that._  
  
  
  
Pause.  
  
  
  
"Sydney, Mike. We found Sydney."  
  
  
He guesses that what it all comes down to is faith.   
And he hadn't had that.  
_There was no body._  
He should have had it.  
But he didn't.  
And now she was back.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**ehh… ambivalent about this one… still have to read it over~**


End file.
